I would give anything to see the look on your face right now LOL. I can just imagine most women’s horrified gasps at the controversial title, and of course all the smirks from men, too. I realize the ‘multiple marriage’ thing drives some people up the roof, but that’s a debate I can win later. (No wait a second, I promised myself not to engage in debates, so never mind, you win!). While Islam does allow men to take four wives and there are surely certain rules and restrictions to consider, that’s not my topic today. Sorry to disappoint the male readers. Now girls come on, you can relax, because what you’re about to read will literally transform your life into the fairytale you’ve always dreamed of when you were a little girl. Yes I know about the white pillowcases you put over your head and how you pretended to be a bride walking down the aisle with a bouquet of tissue paper. And yes, we all did it too! We all share the dream of a ridiculously consuming love and a happy-ever-after marriage.
So how many times have you heard a man describe his ‘dream’ woman? It might have gone something like this: “I want a woman who can be a wife, a lover, a mom and a best friend all at the same time! I want a woman who is soft and feminine, yet strong and confident. A woman who is religious and conservative yet wild and sensual, who is smart, funny, proud and outgoing, yet obedient and timid. I want a woman who is gorgeous but not vain, who is both shy and daring… Okay do you have all day?”
Men basically want the whole package; which is why some might argue they’re not capable of loving just one woman their whole lives, since no woman can possess all of these seemingly opposite qualities. Personally I strongly disagree for many reasons. Our beloved Prophet explains it in a few simple words: It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr bin Al-‘As that the Messenger of Allah said:
“This world is all temporary conveniences, and the best temporary convenience of this world is a righteous woman.” (Sunan an-Nasa’i 3232)
From a psychological perspective, each and every woman has four characters of four very different girls living inside of her. In my humble opinion, this is the essence of what makes her a ‘dream’ come true.
1-The Formal Girl:
Dressed in a black and white suit, she sits behind a mahogany desk and looks up from behind her half-moon glasses. “Grocery list? Check. Kids’ dentist appointments? Check.” This is the managing director living inside your body and practically breathing down your neck all the livelong day! She stares at you with arms crossed and one eyebrow up every time you attempt to go astray or even make the simplest mistake. This formal, strict, no-nonsense girl is your subconscious, and your man needs her up and running at all times. She’s the one who will stand by him and never let him give up, the one who makes him believe in himself and encourages him to do the right thing no matter what the stakes are. This woman has zero tolerance for crap and will stop you before slipping, whether it’s implementing the ‘no shoes on couch’ rule or all the way to guarding his family and herself while he’s not around. She will make sure her man reaches his goals in all aspects of life, even if she has a professional career of her own, and she will subtly guide him to success.
This woman is emotionally strong. She is your man’s rock, and she lives inside of you and only you…
Now we’re talking! You see, men are visual and this is the woman that every man wants! She’s all covered up and subdued in public, but in private she’s the one dressed in red silks, her hair flowing luxuriously down her back and her scent fills the house with roses from heaven. She’s the party girl who spoils herself with spa treatments and stunning feminine gowns. This woman is delicate, soft and sensual, she makes her husband feel like a man! She’s the wild daring girl who adds spice to his life and makes him feel young again. Nothing wears this woman down, not even the kids or work or daily troubles. She’s carefree and exciting, emitting an electrifying energy that keeps her man on his toes. She’s the one who goes on moonlit-dinners with her husband and greets him with a suggestive smile that washes his stress away. She knows what makes him happy and provides it with passion. She’s the fantasy that drives him crazy with pleasure, makes him feel alive, and is the reason he resists outside temptations. One look at her and he’s overwhelmingly pleased….
This beautiful woman is your man’s lover, and she lives inside of you and only you…
3-The Baby Girl:
Dragging her pink fluffy blankie on the floor and sucking on her thumb, this baby girl with the cute ponytails is innocent, helpless and naive. She’s your ‘inner child’ and she needs to be taken care of. She’s the one who still gets excited about glitter pens and hides under the table to eat chocolate before dinner. She’s sweet and kind and loving, all you want to do is hug and protect her. This is the girl who respects and obeys her man, doesn’t debate his opinions and trusts him completely. She’s what every man truly and deeply loves with his heart and soul. She gives him the warmth that the star and formal girl can’t provide. She cuddles with her man to watch a movie, and takes care of him when he’s sad or sick. She’s the one who will stop in the middle of the street to help an old woman, and jumps on the bed happily when her husband surprises her with something new. She believes in fairytales and enchanted castles and ‘happy-ever-afters’. She never criticizes, judges or nags, because her smile makes everything better. She plays ‘peek-a-boo’ with the kids and tickles her husband when he’s mad. She fills his home with joy and laughter and quenches his crave to be needed and appreciated.
This sweet girl is your man’s baby, and she lives inside of you and only you…
More accurately this woman is the giver. She carries the motherly genes that prompt her to learn, teach and advise. She relinquishes her pride sometimes to preserve his status or fulfill his perhaps unreasonable needs. This woman is every man’s comfort zone, the one he can trust and confide in. She puts him on a pedestal in the eyes of family and friends, and will make sure his kids look up to him till their necks hurt. This woman has a golden heart filled with faith and love to the One and Only Lord, it makes her man proud she’s the mother of his children. Like a dedicated teacher she revolves her life around him being a leader, brushing away his little errors and guiding him lovingly when he feels lost. She raises generations of Muslim men and women who will go out and change the world.
This selfless woman is your man’s soul mate and best friend. And she lives inside of you and only you….
Now before you start making phone calls to organize a riot for female rights and camp outside my house with banners reading ‘What About OUR Needs?!’ and ‘It Takes Two To Tango”. Let me first remind you of the time when you were still engaged and you had this rush of wanting to spend the rest of your life doing everything you can to make your husband the happiest man in the world. Remember the time when this was your biggest dream? Well are you being the woman you promised him to be? Keeping marriage alive takes a lot of effort, sacrifices and forgiveness, or else happiness walks right out the door and failure walks in (Trust me, out of all people I should know!). Most wives today have lost sight of the importance of their roles in life, and instead wither away complaining and nagging.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Surat Ar-Rūm, Verse 30, Holy Qur’an)
We occupy ourselves counting all the things men do wrong and forget women are just as accountable if not more. Nowadays the ‘formal girl’ is nothing but an aggressive faultfinder, the ‘star’ only beautifies herself if she’s expecting company, the ‘baby girl’ is a whining drama queen, and the ‘teacher’ is a self-absorbed critic! It’s time for us women to take a good look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we are fulfilling our obligations before asking for our rights! For God’s sake we live in a time when if the wife greets her husband with a smile he either gets suspicious or freaks out.
I can quote psychologists and wise mentors to prove how we can change people through changing the way we treat them, but I’m not going to because this article is running way too long and my son is getting frustrated he just clogged me with his trophy! Plus, I find no words can compare to the sayings of our beloved Prophet (PBUH), the only role model anyone can ever need. He summed up the four characteristics of the perfect woman…..
It was narrated from Abu Umamah that: The Prophet (PBUH) used to say: “Nothing is of more benefit to the believer after Taqwa of Allah than a righteous wife whom, if he commands her she obeys him, if he looks at her he is pleased, if he swears an oath concerning her she fulfills it, and when he is away from her she is sincere towards him with regard to herself and his wealth.” (Sunan Ibn Majah, Vol.3, Book 9, Hadith 1857)
Today is the day the whole world is celebrating ‘love’, and even though Muslims don’t believe in Valentines’ Day, it’s nice to be reminded to tell the people you love just how much you love them…. Starting with your husband, who needs you more than he has ever needed anyone in this world.
It’s your choice really, you can be your man’s most amazing fantasy or you can be his worst nightmare. Studying the Qur’an and Sunnah (which is basically what they teach us in Psychology) has given me a different perspective to life. A woman has powers she’s not even aware of. Get in touch with your four girls and let your husband fall in love with them every single day…
Be that dream woman….