Everything Marriage 101 with Sheikh Ibrahim

Before The Big Decision

Of the most important contracts or agreements that Allah has made permissible is the contract of marriage. Shariah doesn’t restrict or suppress the natural desires but rather directs it in the right direction. The stability and peace of a nation cannot be achieved unless there is stability and peace between a husband and wife, the building blocks of a society. The Tarbiyah of the children, the future of the society cannot be proper if the relationship of the husband and the wife is not proper. This is why Shaitan and his forces exert so much effort in causing problems between a husband and wife. One of the main reasons we see the Ummah falling apart is because we aren’t paying attention to the state of our marriages. There are more separation and divorces happening than the marriages and see the state of these marriages.
When it comes to marriage:
1. Look for good manners and etiquette’s (Adab). What’s important is that a person feels comfortable in the marriage and with their spouse.
2. Look at the religion as a priority for looks will soon fade. This doesn’t mean that looks are not important. We are talking about priority here.
3. Do your own field research. Others don’t know what you want. When they look, they’ll suggest something they like which you might not like at all.
4. After all consultations are done, turn to Allah and do Istikhara. Why at the end? It’s not good adab to ask anyone else for help after you’ve asked Allah to decide for you.
Don’t rely on pictures. Pictures don’t relay the reality. Pictures should be the last resort. What’s bad in a person can be made to look like the best quality in the pictures. You shouldn’t get married without seeing your spouse. If you cannot go, then send a sister to see on your behalf. If you send a man, then remember that he’s also of the Tullab and the name might be changed on the invitation card.
When it comes to marriage, do not accept anyone who becomes righteous just because or for you. That righteousness is not for the sake of Allah but for the sake of the person, just so that they can marry them. If things don’t go their way later on, then their true face emerges. Tell such people all the best and move on.You work at the office, because they have something you want. There is no “getting to know each other” before marriage. The person will tell you all that you might want to hear to get what they want. What you see or show there is a borrowed image of who you are. After marriage, nothing will be left hidden and the real face is exposed sooner or later. Many a times we see that there is no respect between the spouses at all who were dating or in a relationship for years before the marriage. They break, come back, break and then again come back. They make it a joke. They already know about the other and there is nothing left to explore and grow with the spouse.
Marriage is all about love and comfort. You cannot force someone to live with a person just because the person is righteous. The daughter of Abu Bakr rejected Ameerul Mumineen Umar Ibn al-Khattab. The family could have just forced her. Even Umar didn’t take offence to it or call it an insult to the office of the Khalifa. This is the right Islam gives to our women. Nowadays parents force their daughter to marry a loser and I mean a real loser and against her will. What kind of Qur’an are such people following?
Allah teaches us in the Quran,
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تُقْسِطُوا فِي الْيَتَامَىٰ فَانكِحُوا مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ النِّسَاءِ مَثْنَىٰ وَثُلَاثَ وَرُبَاعَ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا فَوَاحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُكُمْ
And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses.[Surah Nisa, 3]
Marry the woman (or spouse) of your choice. It is completely based on your choice. In some places, your father has to choose for you or your mother has to choose for you. I don’t know how that even works. In some places, not only that, the family has to choose first. They have to go and see, and only if they like can you marry. This is the only person they will allow you to marry. What kind of intellect is this? As if these people are the ones going to live together instead of the couple. Allah says, those whom you choose.
You shouldn’t marry someone whom you don’t like because then the rights of the spouses will not be maintained. You as a father shouldn’t close your eyes and agree to anyone coming your way based on those cultural practices that in reality a disease. The father forces the son or daughter to marry a person just because they have some connection to the family.This is completely un-Islamic. Not just un-Islamic, this is even against common sense. Two people who are interested in each other, and are actually against it, are forced to marry. Then what? You cannot now tell them to be patient after forcing them into this. The couple is forced to live a life of wretchedness where they cannot even tolerate to see each others faces. What for? To please someone else or fulfill some cultural practice. May Allah guide the Ummah.
Look into the lives of the wives of the Prophet ﷺ. When you decide to marry, marry someone who can help you practice Islam. If you stay with a spouse who is a loser, then no matter how much you’ve read from the Sunnah you cannot implement it. Sisters, you need to find someone who can help you become like Khadeeja.If the marriage is good, the woman usually follows the attitude of the husband. The brothers need to learn from the Prophet or else they will not experience happiness in marriage. It will just be based on the dunya and after a few days all the happiness will be gone. Focus on religion and manners for this is also beauty. No one says go marry an ugly person.If a spouse is righteous whereas the other isn’t, your house is going to be hell. You will never enjoy the marriage at all. Either you’ll give in and fall into the evil of your spouse or else the good will be forced and you will be living in hell. If this continues it will end up with a divorce.
Beauty and ugliness are concepts in the minds of the people. What you see as beautiful might seem ugly to another and vice versa. We should not criticize. What you may not like, could be liked by someone else. This is the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ. When the Prophet ﷺ didn’t like some food presented to him, he wouldn’t criticize it. He would remain silent and just leave it. This also applies to us human beings. The Prophet did not make any negative comments when he looked at the woman who presented herself to him. All he did was keep silent. Allah has allowed us to see our spouses before marriage. You cannot see her and then go critique her to others. This is totally wrong. One of our professors said that if we had the authority, we would severely punish those brothers who met a sister for marriage, didn’t like her and then spoke about her in a negative way. You don’t want to get married, you don’t like her, then just keep quiet. There’s going to be somebody who will see her to be beautiful while you don’t. Your words could spoil things for others.
It is wrong for a person to marry a woman whom he doesn’t know and vice versa. The pictures which people base their decisions on doesn’t portray the reality at all. They could be two different people completely. Later the parents will come and hold him accountable. You said yes to the picture, not the person. And we know what can be done with the pictures today.Look for yourself, and as the Prophet advised, look at that which will make you get married to her. This will be a means of comfort for both of you later on in the marriage. Looking is permissible for both the sides for gathering information, and not for enjoyment. But if you were to intend good, but you were so overwhelmed that your intention changed to enjoyment, then you are not blamed for that InshaAllah. When you look you must be someone who actually has the intention to get married and not just looking around to satisfy themselves.
When you look for a wife, a partner, look for someone who is smart and will support you and guide you. Don’t marry someone dumb who will increase your pain when you come back home. When you’re under pressure, you come to her and she knows how to cool you down. When she is under pressure, she comes to you and you know how to cool her down. The Prophet ﷺ knew he had someone at home that is why he went home for advice. Some people don’t come home to their wives, but go to “professionals” for help. If this is the case then your selection process for a spouse was completely wrong. Start crying from now.Whether you like it or not your wife will know you better than anyone else and vice versa. You should both understand each other very well. Your wife has to be your best consultant in times of need and you for her.
Ibn ‘Umar reported Allah’s Messenger ﷺ as saying, “A person should not enter into a transaction when his brother is already making a transaction and he should not make a proposal of marriage when his brother has already made a proposal except when he gives permission.” [Muslim]A person cannot propose only after both the parties have finalized and agreed to get married. But if things are still under discussion and nothing is finalized, anyone can come and propose before that. When you find someone who is worthy of marriage, keep quite. Don’t publicize it. Secrecy in this matter is something good. There are many tullab (seekers) out there. When you tell them that you like or are interested in someone, you can just cancel yourself out as you’ve given them the destination to find what they are looking for. If they are slightly better than you, you will have lost out on a lot of good. Do good silently and even when you succeed, share it with only those true friends and family who will be actually happy for you. When you share it with the world, there will always be someone who will dislike seeing your blessings.
Just introducing oneself to the girls family is not enough for someone else to be prohibited from proposing marriage. Till the family of the girl doesn’t accept, the man remains a talib from among the tullab. Only when the family agrees and things move forward, is it prohibited for another man to propose and introduce himself.Imam Shafi’i says that the silence of the virgin is considered as acceptance out of modesty. As for a woman marrying again, her words or the words of her Wali to move forward with the proposal will cut out the other proposals to come forward.
You will never truly know who your wife is and she won’t know who you are till you are actually married. Then nothing can be hidden for a person goes back to their habits. There is absolutely no place in the Shariah for unnecessary talking before marriage. The more the talking, the less the value is seen later in the marriage. Cut the duration short. Look at the woman as best as you can. After that, look for the family of the sister. You can’t skip the family and go to the sister directly for it is Amanah. They will be held responsible for her and so will you.
A person looks at the woman and then approaches the parents. If not then it’s very painful. You be built connections which if things don’t work out are hard to deal with.The man and the woman can sit and discuss matters while the parents are present nearby having their tea. If anything goes out of hand they are there to intervene. Plus, here the woman has more freedom to ask more pressing questions as this is her house and her territory. The woman should come forth in the natural state without all the attachments and beautification. She cannot manage to continuously have these things with her at her house when they are living together. Both should know what they are agreeing to.
After the marriage, before doing anything else, sit with her and talk to her about what you need and what you don’t. Discuss about all that that you are both expecting in the marriage so that things are clear from the start. You share your likes and dislikes so the spouse knows what to look out for. For sure, you don’t know her and she doesn’t know you when you first meet (in the presence of the family). Those who think they can know someone before marriage through their illegitimate relationships are fooling themselves. One cannot know another person in-depth no matter what, as a spouse knows.
A person is to look at the hands and the face alone because one is guided to the beauty through the face. It is the center of recognition and beauty. The hands are an indication of the softness of the body. Other scholars allowed the viewing of the feet as it is an indication of the smoothness of the body. These 3 things are more than enough.Imam Awzai and other scholars opined that one can look at all of that which is culturally exposed in the presence of the woman’s maharim at home. This is not to say that the woman should come out like this. But if she does come out then it is allowed to be seen, if displayed accidentally at home. Imam Daud al-Zahiri says that a person can look at anything except for the privates. Even the Zahiris themselves most probably don’t follow this opinion. It would be a source of fitnah. The area from the shoulders to the knees are critical areas regarding which one should fear Allah.A person looks at that which pushes them to get married. The first three things mentioned are more than enough. Remember that one can only and only see the opposite gender only when it is for information regarding marriage and not for the sake of enjoyment.
If the girl and her family agree, then the marriage shouldn’t be delayed, within a week that marriage should happen unless if you cannot afford. If you cannot afford, then wait, don’t propose. A man is the one who if rejected will say, “Alhamdulilah”. Don’t push, for it is humiliation. Otherwise you have to bow and accept conditions which are humiliating. Be patient, Allah has a lot of creations. There’s a good reason Allah has stopped it. Remember and understand Qadr. Marriage is not business. It is sharing and cooperation.
Everything that is Halal we do it and we enjoy, but we need to draw the line when it involves the harmful and the Haram which brings the displeasure of Allah. Today, we expect Allah to bless our marriages, but the very foundation of our marriages and it’s beginning (marriage event) is filled with things which brings the displeasure of Allah. This is something we really really need to look into and rectify if we want success in our marriages.
Mahr should not be so high and unreasonable. Marriage is not business. You are not selling your daughter to the one that pays the most. You are giving her to a man you trust will take care and respect her. Mahr should be kept at a minimum for such marriages have more barakah than those with extravagant mahr. The girl is going to live with a partner, and not being sent to a trader who has brought her with that mahr amount.
Should a woman have to accept polygamy? Is it mandatory upon her? No. She has to accept it as something that Allah has allowed. Every Muslim has to believe in its permissibility. But she doesn’t have to accept it for herself in her marriage. There is nothing that says that she must accept it.At the same time, we have to be very careful because some people go overboard in their hatred for something and try to explain it as not even being a part of Islam. She can tell her husband (or husband to be) that she doesn’t want it. It is something that needs to be between them. They cannot come out and start telling people off against it or call it wrong/haram. That minute you say it is wrong, you are criticizing Allah. Saying such, is an act of Kufr.
When you’re rejected by a sister (for marriage), say thank you, and move on. Don’t beg.There are many sisters out there. وَأَرْضُ اللَّهِ وَاسِعَةٌ
How many sisters do we have? Millions
How many brothers do we have? Millions
Who told you this is the only one person for you? Who told you you cannot find someone better than them? Why will you mess up your life because of this? You might think this is the best for you, but it is actually the worst. Allah might be keeping the best of the best for you after this. I hope the younger ones are awake. They always talk about marriage and never sleep anyways. NEVER allow your heart to hand around the neck of a person that is human. The heart is for Allah alone. May Allah protect us all.
What if you cannot get married? Lower your gaze. If it is just the physical power then for sure the men will overcome the women, but if you let the women have their way then the strongest of men, not males, but men, can fall in front of a woman. They would stand with their mouth gaping and drool hitting the ground. This is the kind of attraction that has been created between men and women. That is why the men are commanded to lower their gaze for it is for their own benefit. They see something which would then trouble them and not let them live at peace. It could become something that keeps punishing a person in their mind.

After Marriage

Marraige looks like Jannah from far. You count every second till you get married. Once you’re married, now the white hair starts to appear. Marriage is a huge responsibility. All these dreams of paradise that you have set up will be turned into nightmares if your marriage isn’t based on a strong foundation.Increase the amount of your patience and do not be extravagant when it comes to the marriage. This is the reason the mahr should not be so high that it’s like buying a Rolls-Royce. If that’s the case then women are treated as a commodity the man paid for. What if the marriage doesn’t turn out to be good? The man can divorce her whenever he wants, but how can she get Khul? She has to return the mahr and if the amount is so high, she is stuck.
The secret to being with a person for a long time and be happy is to understand them properly. If you don’t then there will be many misunderstandings. It’s only when you understand your spouse will you be able to make the most of your marriage.
Your wife is going to change over time and so are you, there’s no doubt about that. Before, the way you used look at each other, you look at each other like some precious jewel because you see them rarely. At first everything is MashaAllah, everything is great but after a few days now that you are living together you need to realize that deficiency cannot be hidden. Nobody is complete, both husband and wife will have some deficiencies which you may be able to hide for a few days but eventually over time everything will unfold. If beauty is the only thing you sought blindly, then eventually just like a new phone after a few days you will get bored.
The secret to a good marriage is as the Prophet said, choosing a partner based on their religion. Beauty, standings in society, money, everything will go but religion is something whose beauty shall remain or even increase as time goes on. Your spouse’s adherence to the religion will blind you to all those physical changes that take place as time goes forward. The focus of your marriage should be religion and good manners and attitude.This is what people ask for when they ask for the “coolness of the eyes”. That you look at your spouse and vice versa and both of you are happy discussing anything coming your way. From the outside people might even think that you have no problems at all. When the family and the spouse are good, then life becomes excellent.
The same goes for the children. A good tarbiyyah begins from where? From the wife, the mother of the children. You are the one who is determining the nature your children are to recieve. When? The day you select their mother or their father.
Don’t close your eyes on the beauty but focus more on the religion AND good manners.
The best thing as a parent that can happen to you as a parent is to get up and see your child worshiping Allah. You have a successor who recognizes Allah as the only one deserving to be worshipped.
We learn that a good marriage is that where two people come together to help each other to success. There is a very good and healthy environment and relationship between the two. Both can advise/command each other without any hesitation. But when this advice/command becomes only one way, then know that there is something wrong and things need to be fixed. The Prophet of Allah is best of examples for us and he was not like that where he only spoke and was not open to listen to what his wives had to say.
Hold your breath and work on your relation with your wife. That is what the Ummah needs today. Sitting down, talking and explaining things to your wife what you think went wrong is the best way to resolve issues. Just being angry is not going to help anyone. Your wife will understand and respect what you want when you explain it to her in a loving manner. She might even go out of her way to do extra things to please you after that. Treat her with respect and as your partner in life. Working together in cooperation to benefit the Ummah is the basis of marriage in Islam. Your relation with your wife is way more important than any job or promotion at the job that you are going to get.
If you think that your wife should only be cooking, cleaning and taking care of the house for 24 hours a day, then you have lost your mind. If there is no fitnah, then let your women go to the Masjid to benefit just as you do. As long as it’s not effecting her responsibilities, why do you want to stop her from seeking knowledge? Create this good environment in your house where you learn and build with your spouse. The feeling of sitting, learning and discussing matters of knowledge with your wife is so pleasing. Not only are you revising the knowledge but it also enhances and blesses the relation of the husband and the wife.
Tarbiyah of a child is very very important. Both the mother and the father are very important in the development and success of the child. This is why Shaitan wants to separate between husband and wife. If a person commits zina, then only he suffers. But if a marriage is broken, then the whole family and society suffers. Marry someone who loves you and you love them and you make each other happy. Their company is a bliss for you. This is where we start fixing the community, in our marriages. Don’t give in to your family if they force you to marry someone you don’t like. Later when there are issues, your family will not come to save you. You have to deal with things yourself.
We are all human beings but we all have our own (different) nature. Everyone has a different way of thinking. Forget different genders, even two men won’t think the same. Wishes, desires, and needs are all different. What do we learn? Patience and tolerance. You might see something from your spouse, which might upset you. That’s why the Prophet ﷺ advised you to have patience. He ﷺ taught one to be very kind to the family. He ﷺ taught that the best person is the one who is the best in the eyes of their family. Why is the emphasis on being tolerant on the husband? Because the command of the house is placed upon his shoulders.Deficiencies are common in any marriage. What maintains a marriage is to exercise patience and overlook. You are not the only one. Even your spouse tolerates and overlooks your mistakes. Understand the nature of your spouse and understand what they want.
Understand the nature of your spouse and try your best to please them in that manner. After marriage, the woman is like a slave (metaphorically). She needs the husband’s permission to do things for which she didn’t need before. The husband needs to understand the responsibility raised upon him. He should strive to provide such a home that his wife always wants to be and spend time with him. Is this even possible? Read the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ and see how he treated his wives. Therein lies your answer of a successful marriage and a happy wife.
It is Haram for the husband to prevent the wife from going to her parents. He is sinning actually. The only time he can stop her is if he knows for sure that meeting them and that conversation would cause issues in his house and married life, and for the sake of maintaining his family environment, he stops for his rights are greater than theirs. Otherwise he can visit her with them if he feels something is wrong, but to stop her from visiting them just because he doesn’t like them is completely wrong and is committing a sin.
If there is a difference between the parents and the husband then the woman is supposed to obey the husband. This will not constitute as disobeying the parents because they are trying to excercise rights under someone else’s authority whose rights are greater. A woman obeys the parents over the husband only when they are inviting her to good and the husband is inviting her to evil. She is to disobey even if the parents don’t invite in such a case.As for having differences of opinion between parents and children. If it is something waajib then they stick to that which they think is most authentic because if not, then as per their position they would be sinning. But if it is Mubah, then they should go with the position of the parent to make them happy. When it comes to spouses, then these are matter of cooperation. The wife wants to fast, but the husband doesn’t want her to fast that day. The wife’s obedience to the husband and relieving him of his needs could be rewarded more for obedience here was wajib and fasting was sunnah. Keeping the family ties and environment is more important.
The best of relations that one can have, is that which they have with their spouses. Effort needs to come from both sides. I advice those with spouses to really read and see the lives of the Prophet ﷺ and His wives and how they lived. You can see why Aisha رضي الله عنها held the position she did in the Prophet’s heart. She used to monitor the face of the Prophet ﷺ to see if anything was worrying him or if there is anything that can be done to comfort him. To her, the words of critique against her were nothing as compared to the smile of the Prophet ﷺ. [Refer to Sahih al-Bukhari 2581]This is the peak of love that can exist between spouses where they monitor the smallest of details in their spouse and move to comfort them. At his end, the Prophet ﷺ was the best of husbands. He ﷺ used to come down to them, talk to them, comfort them and make them happy. We see that theirs was a healthy household and they had a healthy life. My advice to the husbands is, to not to get annoyed with your wife for a longer period of time or let it get to the heart. Close the page completely and move on. This is the Manhaj of RasulAllah ﷺ. My advice to the wives is, try as much as you can, do not make your husband angry.
Destruction of nations starts with the destruction of the family life. Shaitan is happiest when he is informed that a wife was separated from her husband. Both the husband and wife are required to come together and cooperate to raise a leader who can succeed in leading the Ummah of Muhammad. Both parents have unique and important roles to play. If one is missing, the cracks of danger appear. Social problems and conflicts spring up and the tarbiyah of the children is affected. People need to compromise for reconciliation to happen. There can be no reconciliation if everyone wants the full extent of their due rights. Sit down together, discuss, and decide what can be done to preserve the relationship. Both should agree without feeling pressure or unhappiness. The greater good of the family and society needs to be taken into consideration. This does not mean that one should accept abuse and allow other evil to occur. That is a different matter for which also, the Shariah has stipulated a way out.

Divorce

Our societies are suffering a lot and marriages are breaking apart. Why? Because parents are intervening in the marriage between the spouses and not letting them sort things out between themselves. What could be sorted easily between the spouses and the case can now be closed is blown out of proportion and exaggerated.
Shaitan is the happiest when he sees a woman leave the house as a divorcee. This is a beginning of corruption for the family as they break apart.
There is no such thing as divorce being Haram. The husband doesn’t need to force to keep the wife and neither does she. The society pressurizes to keep living together even when things are toxic. Islamically either they are to live in peace and with all the rights or they are to part ways. There is no suffering on while the rights are violated.
Divorce is not necessarily a deficiency or a failure. Sometimes, things just don’t work out and it’s good that they separate for the greater good of both involved. The ahadith which say that it is the most disliked of the Halal things by Allah are fake. It’s not Makruh, it is Halal and will remain Halal till the Day of Judgement.Marriage is about comfort. Both involved will be held accountable for all that they do in the marriage. If we close the door of divorce which Allah opened for us, then one or both will harm the other if they stay in that marriage. When love and mercy have left the marriage, the best is to separate. Today, the community will battle unnecessarily, but they won’t help and support either when things get bad. Honestly, only the husband and wife can truly know what their situation is. Don’t force them into things you don’t know about properly.
A man cannot divorce his wife while she is having her monthly cycle. It is allowed for a man to divorce only in a clean period before which he hasn’t had relations with her. Once a divorce is given it cannot be revoked. The next divorce counts as the 2 or 3 divorce and not as 1 even if the man takes her back. For the counter to be reset to 3 again, she has to marry another man, consummate the marriage with him, divorce and then again marry the first husband with a new nikah contract.Majority of the scholars are of the opinion that when a man pronounces 3 divorces at once they stand as 3 divorces rather than 1. Till the first 2 years of Umar’s caliphate from the time of the Prophet 3 divorces pronounced at once counted as 1. Abdullah Ibn Abbas also opined the same. This was a political solution.So upon the Mufti is to see who the person is. If it’s a layman then the 3 divorces count as 1. But if it’s a student of knowledge for example who knows the severity then for such 3 divorces count as 3.
Imam Ibn al-Qayyim wrote a complete work on this topic where he writes that in a case where the anger is so great that the person has lost complete control then instead of first or second divroce, it doesn’t even count as a divorce. The person is likened to an intoxicant which blinds the senses of the person. Sheikh says that when the anger is such then its like the Sultan giving an order to the subordinates. The man is useless in front of his anger.

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